There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
