you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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