...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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