The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
