If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
