Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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