he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
