The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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