i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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