Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
