Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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