Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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