I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
