dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
