life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
