girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
