I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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