I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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