If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
