we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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