I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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