life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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