The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
