Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
