Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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