I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
