You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
