he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
