I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize