Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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