It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
