I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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