someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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