He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
