My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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