Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
