i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
