DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I need a burrito and a hug.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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