When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
All the doctor said was why
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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