Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
