Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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