she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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