If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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