Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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