she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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