Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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