when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
