it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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