Welp...herpes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
