I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
