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she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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