How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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