he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
