gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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