shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
