There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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