i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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