I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
sarcasm needs its own font
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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