my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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