One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
