i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
